Alright, strap in, because we're about to rip through Jaguar's recent cyber incident like a buzz saw through cream cheese. It's time to pull back the curtain on the abysmal circus of corporate ineptitude and unpreparedness that led to a beloved car brand hitting an iceberg and then pretending they meant to do it.

Let's be clear. This isn't just about a cyber incident. No, no. This is about an antiquated titan of industry, bloated on its own sense of invincibility, getting a brutal wake-up call. But instead of learning from their colossal blunder, Jaguar has chosen to indulge in the corporate equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and humming loudly.

"We've proactively shut down systems to mitigate the impact." That's the polished turd of a statement issued by Jaguar. The same Jaguar that had to send workers home from their UK manufacturing plant. Let's be brutally honest, that's not "proactive;" that's scrambling after the horse has bolted, crashed the car, and left you with the wreckage.

But what's the real agenda behind this incident? Why, it's the age-old song and dance of corporations refusing to adapt, clinging to their outdated, bare-bones cyber security measures that wouldn't even stump a high-school hacker, and then acting shocked when they're targeted.

The power players in this sorry saga? The executives, swaddled in their cocoon of ignorance and arrogance, who've consistently treated cyber security like some optional extra, like heated seats or metallic paint, instead of the damned necessity it is in our increasingly digital world. The same executives who'd prefer to shell out millions in damage control rather than invest in proper cyber defenses.

The liars? The entire Jaguar PR team, spinning this yarn about "proactive measures," when their most impressive action has been tripping over their own feet in a mad dash to control the narrative. They'd rather peddle a palatable fiction than own up to their monumental failure.

For all Jaguar's rich history, they've proven they're about as tech-savvy as a Neanderthal with a toaster. They've shown they care more about their public image than their employees, who were unceremoniously left in the dark, or their customers, whose sensitive information was left as vulnerable as a newborn in a lion's den.

It's an uncomfortable truth, but one we need to confront: Jaguar isn't the sleek, sophisticated brand it wants you to believe. It’s just another clueless corporate behemoth, stumbling blindly through the digital age. And if they don't shape up, they risk becoming a silicon roadkill on the information highway.

It's high time we called out these lumbering giants, demanded better, and held them accountable. Because right now, the only thing Jaguar's "proactively" doing is demonstrating how not to handle a cyber security crisis.

And for any Jaguar executives reading this - swap your hubris for humility and get serious about cyber security. Or else, your next model might just be a sinking ship. I hear it's a hot seller among the dinosaurs.